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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

astrological forecast for the 3rd week of December

Aries (March 21-April 19) People worry a lot about the taxes they have to pay. Because you have no job and no income, this is no problem of yours. Sometimes being a failure has its own rewards. You have the last laugh, loser.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) A fat woman has caught your fancy. Just the thought of rolling around in all that fat is exciting. Go for it, and if you tire of her, you can always sell her to the circus. Maybe she has a future in the elephant act.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)Your sister is going out with an ex-con, who is a real tough looking guy. He brags about having killed people. You told him that if he doesn’t keep away from her, you will punch him in the nose. Ah, good news. He is at the door holding a bat. It looks like he would like to be friends and play some ball. You bet sweetheart, and your head is the ball.

Cancer (June 21-July 220 Your lady friend has a huge gas problem, but she is in denial.
Persuade her to wear panty hose. When her ankles puff out, you’ve got your evidence.

Leo (July 23-August 22)Your professor thinks you are a stupid broad. How sexist. You are just a stupid human being. Keep thinking that, and you will be proud. And because you are nice, he will never think you are a stupid bitch. Bow-wow.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) The alignment of the planets indicate that you will make a good career move soon. Your new assignment will be the prison laundry. It’s just another twenty years until you are on the outside, making it big in laundry.

Libra (September 23-October 22)You are a good Samaritan. You loaned your gambling addict friend money he says he needs to go to Las Vegas to attend a church revival. You, my friend, are a great guy. You are a rare find. Suckers with money do not grow on trees.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)Cleanliness was never your strong suit. When guests use your bathroom, they wipe their hands on the carpet instead of the towels. Also, there must be a reason your toilet seat has a lot of strange colors. Take your time, you’ll figure it all out, stinky.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) At last you have found your true love. She/he is the half-woman/half-man in the circus sideshow. Let people laugh. At least your life will be full of variety. Losers can’t be choosers.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) It is troubling to you that you can’t keep a friendship. A long shot guess is that you don’t bathe. Top that off with your major gas problem, and that will explain some of your loneliness. Why should you change just to please others? Be an individualist and get a pet skunk. You two will be a natural.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) Another birthday has come and gone, and another New Year’s Eve is on the way. It’s fun to get older than dirt. Look at it this way. You’re still alive, so shut up and enjoy it.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

astrological forecast for the 4th week of September

Aries (March 21-April19) Your strong leadership skills are much admired. Too bad you used them to start a prison riot. No problem. You’re in for life anyway.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Be proud that you are known as an honest person and a good team player. A lot of people are very fond of you for that, especially con men. You are a natural born sucker. Keep believing everyone, dodo.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) As a philosophical and nurturing person, you are a natural to work in a mental institution. The inmates really care for you, except when you holler that they are stark raving cuckoo. At least you call them as you see them.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) Be careful of your nurturing nature. You will be tempted to take over the lives of wounded people. You have so much compassion for the downtrodden. The first chance they get, they’ll stab you and clean out your house. Nice going, sucker.

Leo (July 23-August 22) Your natural leadership skills can cause problems, because you love power and control. Channel your energies into constructive causes, and only eliminate people who have it coming.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) You are so cheerful and witty, that you are the life of the party. Don’t use too much wit on dumb people, as they will feel insulted and pound the living crap out of you.

Libra (September 23-October 22) Sociability is your strong suit. Everyone wants to be around you. Be careful of making friends too easily. You lend your credit cards and house key too often. Don’t worry. The worst that could happen is that you could go bankrupt, or get murdered in your bed.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21) Your hard working nature is affecting your social life. Maybe that’s why you don’t have any girl friends. Or maybe it’s because you weight 400 pounds and you stink. Oh well, nobody’s perfect.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Travel is in your future. You will go on a dangerous trip, with a very bad outcome there. Save money by only buying a one way ticket.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) You are very clever. You have managed to get money from people under false pretenses. Too bad for them if they are so stupid. Don’t worry. Those big guys at the front door with baseball bats are probably just looking for a game.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Your progressive, humanitarian nature gives you a broad understanding of the human condition. You can do a lot of good on your trip to the Middle East. Your positive self will make them think you are a good guy, as they chop your head off.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) Philanthropy is your strong suit. You believe in helping the poor and disadvantaged. Your politics help you meet that aspiration, as you work at getting money from the "haves" to the "have nots". It’s a good thing you’re broke, as you could never bring yourself to giving your own money. Being a hypocritical bastard is ok, because it’s natural.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

astrological forecast for the 3rd week of September

Aries (March 21-April19) The day has arrived that you are going to break-up with your girlfriend. She is super sensitive and you hate to hurt her feelings. People can live with the truth. Just tell her the free sex was great, but you’re dumping her for a much better-looking woman. She will appreciate your honesty.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) You still can’t solve your gas problems. You can’t help it if your favorite food in the whole world is prune juice. You must drink at least a gallon a day. Look at the good side. You are rape proof. No one could get past those undies.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) Finally you’re getting the respect you deserve in your social circle. You went to San Francisco over the weekend and met some neat guys. What good fellows. Very few of them have AIDS. You are definitely good husband material.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) Giving advice comes very easy to you. You always have a great grasp of a person's situation and what they should do. You are everyone's counselor. Too bad your own life is so screwed up, and is a total shambles. Clean up your own act before you try to clean up anyone else's. Good work, dumb cluck.

Leo (July 23-August 22) You will be the life of the party this week. Especially when you dance with a lamp shade on your head. I’ll bet nobody ever heard of that.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) Your sweet personality causes you to meet the wrong guys. If they beat the living crap out of you more than five dates in a row, tell them you will only give them one more chance. Brains was never your strong suit.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21) Uh-oh. You had a big case of gas plus, while you were sleeping last night. The bad news is that you made a horrendous mess, and it will require wearing a gas mask to clean. The good news is it’s not your bed. She’ll get over it. She doesn’t smell so great herself.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) You are a born sport and gift giver. Your friends marvel at your generosity. They all love you for being so gracious. It’s a good thing they don’t know that this stuff is stolen.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Your husband is getting fat as hell. He’s chowing down like a real hog, and he’s sucking up a case of beer a night. To add to his charm, he rarely takes a shower. At least you know that no other woman will steal him. He’s all yours, and good for you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) It’s time to collect the money your friends owe you, but it’s too bad they’re so hard to collect from. They sure were nicer when they pleaded with you for the loans. Maybe when they get back from their great vacations, they’ll think about your money needs. The problem is that you’re a soft touch and you’re stupid. A lot of people would really like to meet you.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) Your sister ran off with a heavily tattood gentleman. The ones on his neck and forehead are particularly genteel. Too bad he knocked her out on their honeymoon. Well, what could she expect? She never could take a punch. You wonder how many teeth she’ll have left by Valentine’s Day. True love is grand.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

astrological forecast for the 2nd week of September

Aries (March 21-April 19) Thinking back on your life, you remember how your folks thought that Sidney was a very bad guy. You sure showed them when you ran off and married him. Now you wonder if they have an award for Mrs. Punching Bag of the Year. Good for you. When it comes to men, you really know how to pick them.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) College was great fun! Parties, women, friends to last a lifetime, and wonderful memories. Too bad you got a C average. Well you almost got an interview with Wal*Mart. You should check with the area waste disposal site. There is a great future in trash.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) You had a hard time finding anyone to like you. You made a personal appraisal and saw where you could improve. You checked your looks, mannerisms, personality, etc., and you took corrective action immediately. Something must have been overlooked. Your dog just bit you in the ass.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) You are very protective, and you are protecting your convict relative who has escaped from prison. He hates your guts, but you are risking everything to protect him. Uh-oh, the cops are at the door. Nice thinking, stupid.

Leo (July 23-August 22) Money has never been a problem for you. You always found an easy way to make it. It’s like people wanted to give you money. They usually do at the other end of a gun. That’s why you’re doing 20 years, jerko.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) Well look who’s having a birthday! That’s ok because you thing you’re not aging too quickly. Self-delusion is great. Take a look in the mirror baby. That road map with a great big nose belongs to you. Many happy returns!

Libra (September 23-October 23) Try to fight feelings of depression. So you’re getting older and life is passing you by. At work you’re the oldest one, and you know that they call you the old fart. Don’t take that abuse. Tell them that you’re getting a lot of invitations to join AARP. Boy, will they be impressed.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21) You have met your soul-mate! What a great feeling! At last you have met the love of your life. Think of all the romantic places you will be going. Too bad you’re both in wheelchairs, but you can’t have everything.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) You are always frightened. Threats are everywhere. It’s so dangerous these days. It’s especially spooky at night, when you hear the floor creaking while lying in bed. Think of the positive side. When it really is a night-stalker and they kill you, your problems will be over.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) You’re on top of the world! You finally got that great job. Big money, prestige, challenging work - they’re just what you always wanted. Too bad it’s just what your wife always wanted too. Now that you’ll be working long hours, she won’t be a desperate housewife any longer. The guys in the neighborhood will be happy too.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Those fat jokes are getting to you. People should look past superficial aspects like weight, and look for the inner you that is so beautiful. It’s just that they can’t look past the repulsive outer you. Lose weight, tubbo. Even your doctor refers to you as that jumbo broad. Oh well, you can always get a pet pig for companionship. Just remember to put a ribbon on it, so people can tell who is who.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) You’re a very understanding person. Everyone has a good side to them. People should be more tolerant. That’s why you are a pen pal to 20 guys in prison, and are dating a terrorist. Enjoy your life. Your odds are against dying of old age.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

astrological forecast for the 1st week of September

Aries (March 21-April 19) Your relationships have gone to hell. This really bothers you. People should be more understanding. You can't help it if you're a bitch.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Well, another birthday party for another single friend. Why can't you girls hook up? For starters, even when you're both trying to take care of your appearance, you still look like you fell off a turnip truck. Don't take it personally. There are lots of losers.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) Your new girlfriend loves tattoos. Your parents hate tatoos. You're going to bring her over to their house to show her off. With that enormous tattoo on her ass, remind her to keep her pants on when she does her great dance on the dining room table. Everyone should have a son with your high-class taste.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) Housekeeping problems keep arising because of your messy roommate. Tell her to shape up, and to take a personal interest in her hygiene. It's a good thing she provides a lot of sex. Otherwise she'd be out on her ass.

Leo (July 23-August 22) You are famous for your typical Leo personality - bold, flashy, the life of the party. Too bad everyone knows you have aids and syphilis. Try to get a date now, jerk.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) People don't seem to understand you. They are always so critical these days. It wasn't always like this. It all started when you married that 11 year old girl. Don't sweat it. Move to Utah. The place is full of perverts.

Libra (September 23-October 23) It's great going to work now. You used to be at the bottom of the totem pole, but now you're going places. Are the other girls jealous! They can't figure out why, since your'e not too bright. That's o.k. The boss really appreciates your personal services.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21) The jerks at work think you're just a hot-headed minority that's like a walking time bomb. That is ridiculous, and they should never jump to conclusions. Just for that, take a shotgun to work and blow the hell out of them and the whole place. Maybe next time they won't be so prejudiced.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) You were aggravated when your wife cut you back to having sex only twice a week. You feel better now, as you've learned she has cut back a couple of other guys too. Fair is fair. She really is a decent person.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) You have big personal problems which must be addressed immediately. Inaction will take you down the drain, and your family will go totally berserk. Call them all together and show them who's boss. Tell them to stick it, and that you're going to Vegas. That will earn their respect!

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) You're knack of making people laugh has made you very popular with your friends. Include your boss on your humor. Tell him you were banging his wife when he was out of town. Then bust out laughing and say it's all a big joke. This is a sure way to get in good with the boss. He will really like you now.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) You are drawn to a woman with bad body odor. For some strange reason, nobody wants to double-date with you. Your only relative that will associate with her, is your uncle that had his nose removed due to cancer. So what if you are nuts? The asylums are full of a lot of decent inmates.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

astrological forecast for the 5th week of August

Aries (March 21-April 19) Your tattoos are something to be admired and emulated, among your fellow prison inmates. Your real satisfaction will begin when you get out, and try to get a job. One look at that beauty on your neck will tell anyone hiring, that you are the most likely to shoot up the shop. Gee, why doesn't the government create more job opportunities for the chronically unemployed? There should be an occupation of "convict". Now there's a job you're well qualified for.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Some people have no idea how their words can hurt. Like when they call you a fat disgusting bastard. We agree with you, such words should never be spoken, even if they're true. In your case, they are very true.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) It's time to get your home shaped up, like a good Spring cleaning. Begin by trashing all you broken furniture and drawers and boxes full of junk. Now that you have done it, you look around and marvel at how empty the place is. No wonder. You've been living in a self-made shit house. It's your fault, slob.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) Wow. You just put on your thong bikini, and you look like an Iraqi car bomb ready to go off. You can start dieting and working out. Or more likely, buy the biggest size there is. So you'll look like a hippo, so what? A lot of jumbo broads find happiness.

Leo (July 23-August 22) Your creative self has inspired you to make a chastity belt. The problem is that you don't know any chaste person to give it to. You can hardly go to churches and give it to choir boys, as they have probably already been nailed by the not so pious priests. That's what makes America great, folks.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) Tell-tale lipstick is on your mouth and shirt collar. Your wife is very hot-tempered, and she is going to get a gun. You have to think fast. O.K., tell her that some woman passed out, and you had to give her C.P.R. You'll know she bought the story, if she doesn't kill you. Otherwise, you'll never know what hit you.

Libra (September 23-October 23) Friends have a big influence on you. They tell you that a hunchback will make the perfect husband for you. After all, his father has a lot of money, he is old and sick, his wife passed away long ago, and he has no other children. You are persuaded that your wedding night will be very passionate, as at last, you can rub his hump all you want. Yes, Springtime is made for lovers.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21) Your house-guests have stayed too long, and you don't know how to diplomatically encourage them to leave. One way is to hop on their bed in the morning while they're both asleep, and urinate on them. Then announce that this is so much fun, you'll do it every morning from now on. Your only problem is that they are unbelievable swine, and enjoy being urinated on.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Gas attacks continue to embarrass you. When you have an accident, you have to resort to the childish "who blew it?" That's o.k. in a crowd, but it doesn't work too well when you're in bed with your wife. Achieving marital bliss can be difficult under any conditions, but just do your best and hope you don't rip too many monsters.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) This is your anniversary, and you better not forget like you did last year. To be on the safe side, ask her for three gift suggestions. If she gives you three notes and they all say she wants a divorce, don't be depressed. Look at the positive side. You don't have to buy a present.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Well, here you go again. You want to go to Vegas, but unfortunately you're broke, and the people you owe money to also want to go, but they can't afford it. Go anyway. You will probably lose, in which case on your return, complain to them that if they loaned you more money, you could have lasted long enough to win. As this is their fault, you don't have to repay them. They will think this is very funny.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) Your daughter is in love with a gang-banger. When you meet him, he will tell you that he has a prison record, has no job, and is lazy as hell. However, he can promise you that your daughter will get all the sex she wants, and you and your wife will get more grandkids than you can handle. Now brace yourself for the bad news.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

astrological forecast for the 4th week of August

Aries (March 21-April 19) Congratulations on your new determination to fight your cellulite. Your thighs look like you're wearing forty pounds of Knudsen's best. You didn't start a day too soon, in fact they are so bad, they would make pervert wince. Lot's of luck. You need it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Your kids are driving you nuts. Sadly, this is in spite of you're being very understanding, giving them a lot of personal time, and showing them lots of love. There is only one enlightened thing left for you to do. Beat the living crap out of them. Now you'll be on the right track.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) You have been engaged for fifteen years, and enjoying all the goodies. But now your true love is making marriage noises. What the hell does she want? Didn't you give her the best years of your life, and give her all the sex she wanted? She is an ingrate. Tell her you need more time. She'll get a good laugh out of that.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) It's time for you to go on a big diet. You use two scales to weigh yourself, looking like the Colossus of Rhodes. It's not a very pretty sight, especially when you're naked. You have a difficult but possible goal, of being able to weigh yourself on just one scale. Your friends will be glad your serious, porky.

Leo (July 23-August 22) Your wife of twenty years, who looks like you've been married thirty years, has asked you for a divorce. She's moving out today, and has found another man, and doesn't want any money from you. Grab the first flight to Vegas. You are on an all-time lucky streak. You will knock them dead.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) Money worries are overwhelming you. To your credit, you have done everything possible to make more money and get financing, but nothing has worked. You now have to take the final desperate step, the measure of last resort. Get a job, you lazy bum.

Libra (September 23-October 23) You have won a contest entitling you to a vacation in Tijuana, Mexico. Don't be deterred by all the murders and kidnappings going on down there. Just wear a big badge saying "USA Drug Enforcement Agency Loves You". Be prepared to make new friends.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21) Romance is coming your way. You look o.k., but your personality needs work. You are always saying thinks like "stick it", bite me, and kiss my ass. Quit talking like this immediately. After you get married, you can say all this stuff you want, and make up for lost time.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) You are surrounded by ugly women, and don't know how to get rid of them. As you are probably bigger then they are, beat the hell out of them. They will probably get the message. When they are about to leave, say something sensitive, like "you need to find a man who is blind". They will miss your sense of humor.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Your upcoming medical appointment has you very worried. Your HMO has a lot of new doctors, and you are afraid you will end up with one of those rookies. Don't worry about it. Even if they make a drastic mistake, so what? At least you're saving a lot of money by going HMO

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) You have been dating super-fat women. A serious relationship is out of the question, as they are morbidly obese. However, in their favor they do provide a different experience. Imagine diving naked and spread-eagled into a swimming pool full of lard. You will miss those porkers.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) Your wife, kids, best friend, and dog have all deserted you. You are in a state of shock. After you recover, you realize that you are free as a bird. This is totally marvelous. You are absolutely right; good things do happen to good guys.


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