Aries (March 21-April 19) People worry a lot about the taxes they have to pay. Because you have no job and no income, this is no problem of yours. Sometimes being a failure has its own rewards. You have the last laugh, loser.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) A fat woman has caught your fancy. Just the thought of rolling around in all that fat is exciting. Go for it, and if you tire of her, you can always sell her to the circus. Maybe she has a future in the elephant act.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)Your sister is going out with an ex-con, who is a real tough looking guy. He brags about having killed people. You told him that if he doesn’t keep away from her, you will punch him in the nose. Ah, good news. He is at the door holding a bat. It looks like he would like to be friends and play some ball. You bet sweetheart, and your head is the ball.

Cancer (June 21-July 220 Your lady friend has a huge gas problem, but she is in denial.
Persuade her to wear panty hose. When her ankles puff out, you’ve got your evidence.

Leo (July 23-August 22)Your professor thinks you are a stupid broad. How sexist. You are just a stupid human being. Keep thinking that, and you will be proud. And because you are nice, he will never think you are a stupid bitch. Bow-wow.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) The alignment of the planets indicate that you will make a good career move soon. Your new assignment will be the prison laundry. It’s just another twenty years until you are on the outside, making it big in laundry.

Libra (September 23-October 22)You are a good Samaritan. You loaned your gambling addict friend money he says he needs to go to Las Vegas to attend a church revival. You, my friend, are a great guy. You are a rare find. Suckers with money do not grow on trees.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)Cleanliness was never your strong suit. When guests use your bathroom, they wipe their hands on the carpet instead of the towels. Also, there must be a reason your toilet seat has a lot of strange colors. Take your time, you’ll figure it all out, stinky.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) At last you have found your true love. She/he is the half-woman/half-man in the circus sideshow. Let people laugh. At least your life will be full of variety. Losers can’t be choosers.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) It is troubling to you that you can’t keep a friendship. A long shot guess is that you don’t bathe. Top that off with your major gas problem, and that will explain some of your loneliness. Why should you change just to please others? Be an individualist and get a pet skunk. You two will be a natural.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) Another birthday has come and gone, and another New Year’s Eve is on the way. It’s fun to get older than dirt. Look at it this way. You’re still alive, so shut up and enjoy it.

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